Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
