My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Randomize
