Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
