im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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