I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
