it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
