I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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