i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to fling myself into the sun
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize