Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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