Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
