Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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