I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Randomize
