we have officially lost it.
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
