Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
