I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
