I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
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You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
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I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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