Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
