After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Im part way to drunk.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
