How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
We were destined to go to rehab together
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
