how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
