I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
