u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
