I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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