Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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