I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Couch. On fire.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
