i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
