Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
FUCK WHALES
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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