She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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