No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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