So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
