Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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