Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
