i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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