Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
