i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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