I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I need to calm my uterus...
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize