I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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