1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
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The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
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Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
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