put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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