the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
