um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
