How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
