I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
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