You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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