i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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