Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
