1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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