Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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