I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
