you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
