yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
We need a shit load of segways right now
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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