I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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