The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
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