Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
