So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
