...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
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Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
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How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
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