I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
