It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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